CAVEMAN CULT
“SUPREMACIA PRIMORDIAL”
E.P. Review by Dark Juan

8/10

Caveman Cult are:

R. Smith – Drums (Please let his first name be Robert so I can imagine the extravagantly coiffed Cure frontman playing drums in an extreme metal band!)
H. Bosch – Guitar (I hope his first name is Hieronymus)
A. Antillon – Vocals, bass

Caveman Cult. Now there’s a name to conjure with. Unfortunately with my imagination and sense of humour, all I can think of is the Rock Brothers from the Wacky Races (my favourite was always The Gruesome Twosome in the Creepy Coupe or the Ant Hill Mob in the Bulletproof Bomb though) and Captain Caveman, an old cartoon series from when Dark Juan was a mere neophyte, rather than the rampaging Hellpriest you all know and despise. Anyway, Caveman Cult. They are an American band, apparently (but not in the same manner as Grand Funk Railroad!) from Miami.

Uncompromising brutality is the order of the day on this 4 track EP. The music is a mix of the most martial black metal and the most gut-wrenching of death metal. In fact it is not music. It is sonic assault and therefore is to be commended as excellent. I know I have recently been giving full marks to complex and interesting records, but sometimes it is incredibly satisfying to listen to something that is simple, violent and dangerous. Caveman Cult are not going to win marks for complex compositions, lyrics (indeed, I struggled to make out a single word from Mr. Antillon’s acid gargling or murderous screaming. But this is not a bad thing) or their shocking drum sound. In fact, I believe I have just discovered a new recording technique where the snare is recorded underwater. It is a terrible snare sound. But not as bad as the horrible twang Metallica gave us on St. Anger. Nothing could ever top that for sheer awfulness. Apart from Lars himself….. but I digress. How can I best compare them? Theirs is a very classic sound – think Gallhammer (minus cute Japanese girls. Unfortunately. I’ve seen pictures of these guys. No one could describe them as cute. Terrifying, possibly. Elusively urbane? Not spoken to them. I’m sure they are all stockbrokers or something…) and Hellhammer in a four way romp with early Mayhem and Darkthrone. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s an image that is not easily shifted from the imagination. You can thank me later. This record is brutal. It’s nearly as brutal as the Dark Juan Brutality Baseline Test – The Berzerker’s first album. It comes close to the levels of insane gabba of The Berzerker. This is high praise indeed. Granted, the four tracks on offer here are all a bit one dimensional, being all about speed and ripping your guts out, but sometimes that’s just what the doctor ordered. Also, the song titles are predictably death metal hilarious – I give you Impaled Humanity Ablaze (wasn’t burning the poor fuckers enough? You had to set them on fire too? You sadist), and Legions Of The Black Vomit (Have they all been at the sambuca again? Or the famous black vodka from my youth that I used to get routinely slaughtered on round Martyn and Jenny’s house when I was a mere strip of a lad? Tasted like paraffin and sat in your stomach like some kind of alcohol timebomb. It hurt more coming up, I don’t mind telling you). I’ll be honest, apart from the name of the band there is precious little to joke about here, because I enjoyed the hell out of this EP. I was prepared to hate it and rip it into tiny little pieces and I can’t because it is so good. I wanted to hate them because I thought the name of the band was a bit shit and juvenile but it fits the aesthetic of the music perfectly. These guys won’t kill you with firearms. They want to be up close and personal. They want to watch you die while their teeth are buried in your throat and your blood cascades over their chins. They want to stave your crust in with a club and watch the light fade from your eyes. They want to kick you in the face when you go down and keep kicking until it’s an unrecognisable, jellied mass of pulped flesh and shards of splintered bone. They want to make necklaces out of your fingers.

This record is not for fans of melody, subtlety, songwriting prowess or virtuosity on an instrument. There is none of that rubbish. It IS for people who are fans of the sound of distilled, violent rage set to a beat of machine guns and heavy artillery. If the USA had played Caveman Cult instead of Guns N’ Roses to General Noriega in Panama, the rubber faced idiot would have surrendered within 17 seconds and saved them all that tiresome invasion business. Highly recommended.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has been watching far too many action films starring muscular foreigners with copious weaponry and outlandish accents and is now spoiling for a fight. Caveman Cult earns a spectacularly violent 8/10. That’s the equivalent of a 80s video nasty body count being investigated in real life by several agencies at once.

TRACKLIST:

Impaled Humanity Ablaze
Dogs Of War (Exterminate The Filth)
Metal Negro Antihumano
Legions Of The Black Vomit

https://cavemancult.bandcamp.com/

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