SIDE EFFECTS
“DESCENDING RABBIT HOLES”
Album Review by Dark Juan

7/10

Side Effects are: So very very early 90’s it hurts!

Ivan Mihaljevic – Guitar and vocals
Alen Frljak – Drums

I’m dying here. My dissolute lifestyle of incessant drinking, trying to destroy the Church and enthusiastic deflowering of all God-fearing virgins (some of them could possibly have been lying about the virgin bit of the equation…) within a 45 mile radius has left my immune system in a weakened state and I write this, possibly my final ever review, from my deathbed. Don’t pray for me, for I am going to hell where they will have the best lounge band ever, and if the Devil even THINKS about trying to do some kind of eternal damnation bollocks with me, I’m going to rip his arms off and beat him to death with the wet ends AND FORCE FEED HIM HIS OWN NIPPLES. OK, so I’m on the sofa in the lounge wrapped in a bedspread and I’m feeling sorry for myself because I have a slight infection, and I’m drinking a fine and not frothing pint of WATER. Me! With water! Sacrilege of the most terrible kind. Worst of all I know there are two cold cans of 12% wicked strength bieres blondes in the fridge and I am too ill to drink them. This is extremely vexing. Igor the Evil One is currently doing his usual quixotic shouting at cars going past, I have no blood supply left in my feet because Wing Commander Sir Zeusington Zeus DFC and Bar, MM, DSO, KCVG is fast asleep and has his BIG FAT HEAD on them and Hodgson the Welsh Wonder is currently contentedly snoring and being an incessant source of smells that could only be described as diabolical. Oh, yes, record reviews. Thank you for reminding me…

Side Effects then, are a hard rock band from Zagreb, Croatia and Descending Rabbit Holes (which is a superb album title by the way, chaps) is their third record. They also appear to be in a 90’s time warp where the likes of Paul Gilbert and Nuno Bettencourt reign supreme. There are many, many guitar licks on this album involving two handed tap-ons, distended harmonics and fifteen trillion notes when one would have done, reminding me strongly of Extreme (Remember them? Did a song called Little Girls and curiously no one thought about digging deeper about that one. Also, they should have been sued for contravening the Trades Descriptions Act as they were about as extreme as having a cheeky Mars bar on the fucking bus) and Mr. Big and that bizarre, otherworldly incarnation of Whitesnake that had Steve Vai and Adrian Vandenberg playing guitar. Yes, we are in overly-complex hard rock hell. And there is a motherfucking awful, shitty acoustic led ballad called Hideout. It sounds like Bon Jovi borrowed A.N. Other (generic, slightly gravelly rock n roll singer, utterly unremarkable, like the guy from Bush) and tried to recreate Wanted Dead Or Alive when they were well past their prime. I fucking hate ballads with a passion. Ballads are generally about wanting peace from the endless debauchery of being a rock star, “loving” someone (for loving, read screwing their brains out, or dreaming about it anyway) or being a long way from home. I don’t fucking CARE! You chose to be in a rock band, you self-indulgent arse biscuit, so deal with it! For the record, I don’t like ballads because they are a waste of time on a rock or metal record. They destroy the mood when you are grooving mightily and then everything comes to a grinding halt because the twat fronting the band hasn’t had a fuck for ten minutes, and in a rare moment where he isn’t snorting a metric fuckton of glitter cocaine he’s started to miss home, or his favourite jailbait groupie and decided to write a song about it, but only has the obligatory battered acoustic 12 string guitar to hand on the tour bus. Ballads are fucking massive cliches and I despise them. Unless the delightful, gorgeous and utterly wonderful in every way Beth-Ami Heavenstone has written it, because then it is obviously the best song ever written. Notice me, Beth-Ami (Senpai of my heart!) notice me…

Obituary Of Common Sense is the highlight of this album. It is a rock song of quite spectacular levels of leather and spandex clad rockiness and poodle like, overly coiffed hair that threatens the planet’s ozone layer with the amount of hairspray holding it up. It is a fine tune, with complex guitar playing (see the Nuno Bettencourt/ Steve Vai school of guitar playing – wailing and howling guitar, distended harmonic screeching and needlessly complicated) and a vocal line extremely reminiscent of an Alice In Chains song. It’s melodic, catchy and fun. Which kind of sums up this record, really. It’s a glorious nostalgia trip back into when hard rock was technicolour MTV fare – over the top, bombastic and designed to impress spotty guitar geeks and make young girls’ panties fall off. It’s about as original and unique as the five-millionth Volkswagen Beetle off the production line, but it’s a good solid hard rock record. There’s some nice hooks, some decent choruses and Ivan (guitar and vocals) is a damned fine guitarist and vocalist. He can also write a decent tune (unlike Nuno Bettencourt or Steve Vai who couldn’t write a good tune if one came along, kicked them both in the balls and did unspeakable things to their noses, because they were only ever bothered about whether they could make their guitars sound like some bizarre form of 8-bit computer game noise, or seeing just how many millions of notes could be fitted into a single bar of music, or just what range they could make a whammy bar dive cover) and this whole album is rock goodliness, generic, but well worth a listen or three. I would even say a couple of the songs could be growers – Obituary Of Common Sense is good, as is Colourblind (I REFUSE to use the awful and incorrect American spelling they have) which does have a touch of the Living Colour (another band famous for little substance, but guitar solos composed of trillions of notes) about it. Metal purists won’t like it too much, because this is an unabashed HARD ROCK record with the odd metal bit thrown in there. Just do yourself a favour and avoid the sodding ballad.

This review has been brought to you by your friendly and approachable Hellpriest Dark Juan, willing subordinate to Grandmaster Of Noble Steel, True Brother Of Noble And Honest, Forged And Wielded Steel and Rock Icon Iron Mathew. Long may he reign. The highlight of my life is Graham Bonnet saying he liked my review. And the dreamy, ethereal and beautiful Beth-Ami Heavenstone loving it…. Sigh. Not quite the same as being given fucking titles, is it though?

This review has finished me off. I’m slipping away… Mum, it’s all going grey. There’s a light I feel compelled to head towards. Anyone got a penny I can borrow for the ferryman? Do you think I’ll be too warm in hell with my hoodie on or is there cloakroom facilities? Farewell…man flu is a bitch.

The Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has dragged itself back from the abyss of absolutely terrible creative writing to award Side Effects 7/10 for an enjoyable record. They lost marks for that fucking ballad. I hate ballads.

TRACKLIST

Don’t Contradict The Facts (Fake news?)
In The Shadow Of A Crumbled Fort (Don’t make it out of breadcrumbs then. They are not renowned for their sturdiness.)
Scratch The Surface (Not if it’s the paint on my car you won’t, sunshine. Not unless you fancy having three Adam’s apples because I have kicked your balls into your throat.)
Colourblind (STILL not using the American spelling. Gah.)
Don’t Turn Away (From what, exactly?)
Diversion (But you just said don’t turn away! Jeez, make your mind up boys!)
The Siren Song (Is this what the diversion was for?)
Hideout (Ballad alert! BALLAD ALERT! SHITTY FUCKING AWFUL CRAPPY ARSEHOLING BALLAD ALERT!)
Obituary Of Common Sense (A very good song apart from a slightly pretentious title.)
Lint (A title that’s soooo Alice In Chains it’s not true!)
Recoil (From the ballad, in my case. Violently.)

http://sideeffects-band.com/
https://www.facebook.com/sideeffectszg/

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