EROTIC PSYCHO
“THE LOST BOYZ”
Album Review by Dark Juan

1/10

Erotic Psycho are: patently ridiculous.

Nando Saints – Vox (No no NO! VOCALS! Vox is an amplifier brand.)
Jay Martino – Guitar
Lokki Sixx – Bass (Possible lawsuit?)
Frost Moore – Drums

Attention! This is Dark Juan here and I would like to inform the world at large that I am a bit drunk. It is the only way I could force myself to listen to the pile of foetid rat wank I am currently subjecting myself to. Welcome to the world of 21^st century glam rock. Four men dressed like an Australian’s nightmare, clearly old enough to know better and judging by the promo photos, sponsored by Marlboro. Smoking ain’t cool, kids. Makes you look like you are on fire and makes you smell like… like… well, like Erotic Psycho, really. I would like it to be made clear that Erotic Psycho are about as erotic as having your balls sawn off with a rusty tin lid while being forced to listen to a constant loop of babies crying and Pretty Boy Floyd while being force fed anchovies. Anchovies – the only food in the world invented by the devil as a punishment for simply existing. Horrible salty little hairy fishy disgusting bastards… again, I have happened on a perfect description of Erotic Psycho. Remarkable.

These, and I am quoting directly from the press pack here, “These four naughty outlaws from Valencia, Spain, perform Sleazy Rock with a street and party-fueled sound.”

They don’t. They play what sounds like Cinderella cover versions that were rejected in the 80s (the decade of ZERO taste) for being too banal even then. Every single glam/sleaze trope has been plumbed to extreme and frankly horrific depths. Senor Nando (assuming he’s called Fernando and not named himself after the inexplicably popular chicken restaurant) Saints is a fucking terrible singer. He can’t hold a note, has a tremendously weak voice and his strangled whine makes me want to wrap my hands around his throat and fucking finish the job, the shocking tart. He sounds like a terrible, helium fuelled version of Mike Monroe singing in a submarine. He’s trying to sound sleazy. He sounds like he needs to take a massive shit he’s been hanging on to for too long. I hate this record, so far. I hate it on a cellular level. I want to take it to the bottom field and shoot it to put it out of its misery. I want to tie rocks around its feet and throw it off a bridge. I want to get a chainsaw and cut it into a million tiny pieces and post it to their parents. I want to tie it to a tree and shoot arrows at it with a longbow. I want to set it adrift in a tiny boat and lob grenades and depth charges at the fucker. The dreadfulness just keeps on coming… ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH! There are absolutely no redeeming qualities on this absolute shitstorm of horrendousness. It’s nearly, NEARLY as bad as Warrior Soul’s last record and my views on that were made abundantly clear at the time I reviewed it. I found it quite unpleasant.

Let me quote you something else from the blurb I got with the disgusting pile of human excrement I am listening to… “Their asskicking live performances will make you go back home sweaty, hot and feeling nasty. The band combines Sleazy Hard Rock, sharp guitars, raunchy vocals, catchy choruses and tons of attitude. Erotic Psycho means sex, drugs and rock’n’roll.”

Now then. I have corrected the grammar, spelling and got rid of the ampersands and inserted actual words. I’m going to break down the above statement for you. “…go back home sweaty, hot and feeling nasty.” Because you just managed to catch a dose of the clap from WATCHING four Spanish men swimming in a sea of turgid lyrics and retarded sexuality and tight leather trousers. Imagine the stench after sweating in leather trousers for hours. In Spain. Ugh. As for “asskicking live performances”, I’d be surprised if they could kick their way out of a wet paper bag with the aid of weighted boots. Ok, on to the “…sleazy hard rock.” It’s not sleazy, It’s a sodding pathetic attempt to shock. It’s like a five year old swearing for the first time. It’s amusing, not shocking, and makes you wonder what Spain has been doing for the past twenty years… “Sharp guitars?” No they aren’t. They are unpleasantly woody, wooly, crackly and fizzy, poorly produced and I could shit a better riff than these blatant chancers can write. Also, the drummer has the easiest gig in rock history with the exception of AC/DC’s drummer with his flat four beats. “Raunchy vocals”, I have had raunchier dreams about baked potatoes. Not to mention that Nando’s voice is so incredibly awful that the only raunchiness that will be happening because of Erotic Psycho is the rampant sex that will be happening back at peoples’ houses because everyone was so dreadfully disappointed by the Erotic Psycho show they all left early and they had to do something to rid themselves of the dreadful memories they have of watching four Spanish men trying to be Poison in the 21^st century. “Catchy choruses and tons of attitude…” Please. Tons of attitude? This is the sound of 12 year old boys and their slightly left of centre sexual fantasies because they don’t know any better. Also, there are no catchy choruses here.  Poison, Faster Pussycat and even the fucking Quireboys have catchy choruses. Erotic Psycho have childish sexual fantasies, gratuitous swearing and such a high level of misogyny the Pope would be proud. “Erotic Psycho means sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll…” Erotic Psycho means sexual inadequacy, a timely reminder that drugs are for losers and rock ‘n’ roll is meant to be dangerous, not some kind of technicolor wankfest to salve bruised egos and awful musicianship.

In case you haven’t noticed, I do not like Erotic Psycho. They are godawful throwbacks to a time best forgot. The eighties were a terrible time for music and for women, cheapened as sex objects and objectified to the point of insult. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with finding women attractive and writing about it, but there is with writing a song called Squirt Baby Squirt. The lyrics are as disgraceful as you might expect, and if there were any justice there would be criminal charges being filed about the vile message of this song.

I’m going to stop writing about them now because they have pissed me off one time too many, the misogynist fuckbags. AVOID AVOID AVOID AT ALL COSTS UNLESS YOU WANT TO WATCH YOUR IQ VISIBLY FALL. If you value your sanity, stay away.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is consumed by the urge to murder Erotic Psycho and bury the bodies in quicklime and awards them a truly disgusted 1/10. They got one mark for not being Warrior Soul. And that’s generous.

TRACKLIST

Mainstream Whores (How very ironic, considering they have chosen what was already a genre designed for mainstream acceptance. No one got into industrial or death metal to make money!)
Lost Boyz (See them tonight. Lost in the shadowz? Lost Boys soundtrack joke there… Lou Gramm would have a heart attack. Or issue a lawsuit.)
Hot Gun Killer (What? These pasty faced, chain smoking, spaghetti limbed people? Not likely. Doubt they would be able to hold the gun up for more than a few seconds.)
The Only Way Is Down (You’re not kidding. This record has ably proved that!)
Sweet Suicide (I wish, after this horror.)
Squirt Baby Squirt (There are no words to describe how much I hate this song and the message it sends. Crude, teenage, neither raunchy or rock ‘n’ roll. It reads and sounds like an Incel manifesto written just before he goes postal. Disgusting, disgraceful, brattish, retarded, childish and the kind of braggadocio you hear from virgin boys in playgrounds. I despise it.)
Stinky Boy Blues (Yes, it’s the leather trousers in Spain, boys.)
We’ll Go Wild (What are you going to do? Mow the lawn?)
Suite In Hell (I feel like I am already there.)
Rock ‘n’ Roll Is Not Dead (Your style of music is, judging by this performance.)

PS: Mrs Dark Juan was intrigued by the speed of my rage-fuelled typing and the subsequent description I gave her of Erotic Psycho. She foolishly asked me if she could listen to some of their music. Amusingly, she lasted 44 seconds before screaming and clawing at the computer to make it stop. That song was Squirt Baby Squirt, too.

https://www.eroticpsycho.com/
https://www.facebook.com/EroticPsycho

This review is the property of Dark Juan and Metal Gods TV. It is strictly prohibited to copy any part of this review, unless you have all of the parties’ permission, or are the band/record label/PR company in question. Failure to adhere to these instructions will be considered as Plagiarism and you will be reported to the appropriate authorities.

---