EVIL SCARECROW

“CHAPTER IV: ANTARTARCTICA”

Album Review by Dark Juan

9/10

Evil Scarecrow are: Bonkers barmy. Madder than a box of painted frogs.

Dr. Rabid Hell – Performing Illegal Medical Operations. Or vocals and guitar, if you prefer. Stay the fuck away from my appendix, you fucking charlatan. I know nothing about abdominal surgery but I DO know I don’t want you or your guitar near it.
Brother Dimitri Pain – Time Travel. Actually a guitarist. Who’d have thought it? With the mighty power of his riffs, he sent himself back in time to the world of the dinosaurs, got eaten by a T. Rex and left only a cryptic message carved in stone, showing the true path to the legendary H note. If any fucker could decipher it.
Kraven Morrdeth – Planning Executions. With his bass, which is a novel approach to executions, I’ll grant you. I personally favour a battleaxe or a main battle tank. Or flamethrowers. Flamethrowers and plastic explosive are fun.
Princess Luxury – Organising Swan Fights. She’s the keyboard player. Does this mean she provides a suitably gothic and moody soundtrack to the swan fights? I imagine it would be a sombre occasion. These noble and sedate birds being goaded to fight to a savage and bloody death, all because of the whim of Princess Luxury and her penchant for gore and flying feathers.
Ringmaster Monty Blitzfist – Handling Dangerous Animals. And drumming. Rumour has it he trained the famous attack rabbit in Monty Python And The Holy Grail, communicating with it via the means of percussion. Double bass drumming apparently means attack the knight on the right hand side… Don’t ask what a paradiddle means. All it means is that you’ll end up grievously injured. Remember, that rabbit’s dynamite!

Reviewing this bunch of mentalists is going to be challenging seeing as they manage to rival me for sheer daftness and penchant for making all kinds of outré shit up. This hellpriest and libertine feels, for the first time in his life, that he is amongst kindred spirits. These people clearly are possessed of a special kind of mental illness that I share and this only makes them even more spectacularly groovy than if they had been completely sane. This special  technicolour, sparkly insanity carries itself over rather magnificently to the music and lyrical content of Chapter IV: Antartarctica, which is unsurprisingly the fourth album from this group of dangerously deranged people from Lincolnshire, but currently fighting out of Nottingham. You know, the city famous for its magnificently inept sheriff, lace, Rock City and the famous and irreplaceable handcuffed chicken mosh as perfected by my lord and saviour, Mitch Hale. If you have never watched the Arena special on heavy metal from 1990ish, you are a) Missing a right treat and b) A terrible example of a metal fan having never experienced when the irrepressible Mitch Hale describes metal and makes Brain Death by Nuclear Assault an absolutely essential song. BECAUSE OF THE HANDCUFFED CHICKEN MOSH. Google that shit, right now. Dark Juan commands you, neophyte! Do it now or I shall defile you in horrible, nasty ways involving inflatable mongooses, actual walruses and stiff brushes. You have been warned.

I know. Yet again I have managed to talk about myself for half the fucking review. You really should be used to it by now. Anyway… where the fuck do I begin with possibly the most (for some reason it autocorrected itself to moist there. Moist. MOIST. There will be girls all over the world cringing now. I have done my duty. Especially my old boss Ruth S. She’d either be a damp cringing mess on the floor right now or would have fetched me such a crack around the side of the head I’d be a damp mess on the floor) insane record I have ever had to review?

In a vain attempt to regain some semblance of professionalism in this review, I’m going to attempt to describe the sound of Evil Scarecrow. They sound like an eclectic mix of Iron Maiden, Cradle Of Filth and The Meads of Asphodel with the odd bit of Ghost thrown in for good measure. There’s also a bit of power metal thrown in there just for the bantz, like and it all makes for a heady mix of gothic metal splendour. Throw in lyrics that Lawnmower Deth would have giggled their infantile arses off writing (and bear in mind they wrote the wonderfully demented Flying Killer Cobs From The Planet Bob, the deranged Cobwoman Of Deth Meets Mr. Smellymop and the frankly out to lunch Spook Perv Happenings In The Snooker Hall) and you have a monumental album chock full of the sense of humour that only the British possess. As in this record is possessed of the kind of lunacy that prevails only in Britain. It’s madder than a box of biscuits. As evidence, I present you with the song entitled Cosmos Goth Moth Gong. Musically it is a quasi black metal speedy and very groovy tune, but the lyrics are absolutely hatstand. They are the kind of mad that makes you feel uncomfortable because during the conversation you’re having, the lyrics are staring fixedly at your right ear and you know not why, but their stare is intense and frightening and you are wondering if they are going to launch themselves at your head and chew your ear off. This lot are nearly as insane as Esoctrilihum. And considering Esoctrilihum had the most frightening/entertaining press kit I have ever read, this is a grand encomium. Hang on a moment, Igor The Evil One is clambering all over me.

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Finally I have managed to get the little bastard off my laptop. I have left Igor’s contribution in because it makes about as much sense as an Evil Scarecrow record. This is not to say that this is a bad album. Oh no. The musicianship is tighter than a duck’s arse and the songwriting is just sublime. No one has welded sheer madness and tight songwriting quite like this besides Lawnmower Deth, but LD were not quite as accomplished musicians as Evil Scarecrow are. I love this record. I love the silliness of it and I love the quality of the metal on it. I love the sense of fun as well as a bunch of highly skilled musicians playing their fucking hearts out. My favourite songs? I love Hurricanado because it is incredibly silly and Antartarctica because it lampoons power metal bands like Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody to the nth degree whilst maintaining a cohesive and engaging tune, even with the spoken word parts. It almost calls to mind Spinal Tap’s Stonehenge (Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well… Sorry. Automatic reaction) and is therefore indispensable. I also really like the song entitled Gus, Zag And The Turnip King. It reminds me of when my hellspawn were tiny and I used to tell them tales of how the Tomato King would only let us have some of his subjects if we promised to eat them quickly. Yes, my children grew up strange. It was better than lying to them about sex. This record is destined to be a future classic, in my opinion. It’s that good. There are no bad songs on here. Just varying levels of dangerous mental instability. Buy it and make a British band absolutely huge. Now, you bastards. Stop reading this shit and go and buy Evil Scarecrow’s record!

You aren’t STILL reading this, are you?

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has encased himself in high-impact armour (Otherwise known as Outdoor Invocation Robes, Winter Weight (Kevlar Plated)) and primed his flamethrower just in case any of the lunatics from Evil Scarecrow visit to thank him in their inimitable fashion for the 9/10 he has awarded them.

TRACKLIST

Skulls of Our Enemies
Red Riding Hood
Way To Die
The Magician
Hurricanado
Gus, Zag And The Turnip King
Polterghost
Cosmos Goth Moth Gong
The Ballad Of Brother Pain
Antartarctica

http://www.evilscarecrow.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/Evil.Scarecrow

This review is the property of Dark Juan and Metal Gods TV. It is strictly prohibited to copy any part of this review, unless you have all of the parties’ permission, or are the band/record label/PR company in question. Failure to adhere to these instructions will be considered as Plagiarism and you will be reported to the appropriate authorities.

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