CREMATORY
“OBLIVION”
Album Review by Dark Juan

8/10

Crematory are:

Felix Stass – vocals
Rolf Munkes – guitar
Tosse Basler – guitar
Jason Mathias – bass
Markus Jüllich – drums
Katrin Jüllich – keyboards

As you good people know, I tend to be both restrained and understated about all things metal. I mean it’s not been the love of my life since I was a spotty 11 year old neophyte in the Cult Of Pop Wankery until I was saved by the righteous Iron Maiden’s Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son by my next door neighbour has it? I hope he enjoyed the Best Of The Pet Shop Boys album I swapped it for…. Anyway, this piece of nostalgia has absolutely nothing to do with this record review, so let’s crack on, eh?

Crematory could just possibly be German. It’s just a gut feeling I have from the names of the band. Immediately, being German, they face strong competition from the back catalogue of a country that has given us such greats as Scorpions, Kreator, Accept, Tankard, Sodom, Helloween and Rammstein to name but a few. Can Crematory cut it? Do they have what it takes to stand shoulder to shoulder with such luminaries? I’m going to tell you, eventually….

The record starts with a melancholy orchestral piece introducing the band. Then there’s a crescendo of keyboard and then the guitar kicks in. It’s all very competent but not very original. I immediately got the feeling that this may turn out to be some pompous overblown power metal nonsense about orcs and dragons and men with thews of steel wielding mighty weapons and rescuing flaxen haired maidens with heaving bosoms and the tiniest of rabbitskin clothes and stuff, with a man with his bollocks caught in a vice squealing about it. I was wrong. Vocalist Felix has a very engaging deep throated rumble which caught me totally by surprise. As well as THE most impressive set of muttonchops I have seen since Amos Brierley in Emmerdale. It fits the music well too. Then there’s another surprise in Tosse Basler. As well as being an excellent rhythm guitarist, his clean, operatic vocal style enables some remarkably catchy anthemic choruses to counterpoint the acid-fuelled rasp of Muttonchop Man.

So how would I describe the sound of Crematory? Imagine, if you will, dear reader, a greased up Till Lindemann engaged in passionate and vigorous anal sex with Nightwish and Helloween while Ronnie James Dio lurks in the corner, the freaky little voyeur…………………….. Sorry, I ran out of words there and it has just proven to be a remarkably hard image to shift out of my mind’s eye. Shit, no, it’s not budging. Quick, think of something else! Trees, babbling brooks, freshly dug graves, Margaret Thatcher….

That’s better. I daren’t read this review back to myself before I send it because I’ll be having nightmares because of that image. FOCUS, DARK JUAN! You’re supposed to be a professional reviewer…. Yes. Anthemic choruses over a deep throated, acid grunt. The record benefits from a thoroughly modern production. Every instrument is crystalline in clarity and easily heard, even in the crappy headphones I am currently forced to use thanks to Igor the French Bulldog. He decided to snack on my good ones, the furry little bastard. He’s asleep now. Thankfully. Anyway, the sound is a little bit goth metal a la Evanesence (including appallingly overproduced guitar sound), mixed with a bit of Neue Deutsche Harte, seasoned with some industrial, a smidgeon of trad metal in the quintessentially German style and more than just a pinch of full on Nightwish and Leaves Eyes. It reminds me of a more clinical and less heavy Rotting Christ in places. It’s an exciting and vibrant mix. An enjoyable and in places, almost nostalgic listen. There’s plenty of light and shade and the counterpoint between Felix, his awesome muttonchops and Tosse’s vocal styles makes for aural interest par excellence and mention also has to be made of the keyboard and sampling prowess of Katrin… she adds atmosphere and melody and at points an almost electronic industrial feel to the songs. She’s Deathstars, Ayria and Suicide Commando to Felix’s Rammstein and death metal roar and Tosse’s Accept and Helloween-esque soaring vocals.

Highlights? Most of the record actually. The best song on the album in my humble opinion is the single, Salvation and the closing track Demon Inside is a right stormer as well. There is one drawback – the song called Stay With Me. It’s just lazy. It’s the quintessential rock ballad and my opinion of rock ballads is well known. It’s saccharine horrendousness, just treading over the same well worn and ultimately wrung out piece of wasteland and just a waste of my time and the band’s obvious talent. Rock ballads, for the record, started and stopped with 18 And Life by Skid Row. You’ll never beat that song. It’s time people stopped trying. Ballads are unpleasant distractions from the metal. And I’m ALL about the metal. Damn it, Crematory. You were doing so well. Naughty band. No more ballads! My teeth are still gritted and we must press on….

I like this record a lot. It’s an interesting, charismatic and eclectic album with lots of the stuff I like. Apart from that goddamned ballad. Crematory are very good indeed and I have managed to restrain myself about the Till Lindemann thing. I’m sorry. It was much more of a vivid mental picture than it needed to be. Do sleep well…….

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has got over the bout of irrational rage it feels when confronted with ballads and has composed itself. Crematory are awarded 8/10. They lost marks because of the sodding ballad. Anyway, that’s the equivalent of the local SWAT team being scrambled because the Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System hasn’t been taking its meds again. And was muttering something about disembowelling Mick Jagger to see whether he runs on Duracell and whether his blood is now composed entirely of Jack Daniels and cocaine.

TRACKLIST

Expectation
Salvation
Ghost Of The Past
Until the Dawn
Revenge Is Mine
Wrong Side
Stay With Me (Avoid avoid avoid! Crappy ballad alert!)
For All Of Us
Immortal
Oblivion
Cemetery Stillness
Blessed
Demon Inside

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